Wow – where to begin? Again, it’s been a long, long, looooong time since I’ve written in this blog. I meant to write this post back around Samhain, but, life has a way of happening and priorities had to be made and some things set aside. If you had been following along, you know that I had been experimenting with treating my endometriosis naturally with herbs and vitamins with success – so much success in fact that I found out that I was pregnant at the end of August! OMGss!!! How did THAT happen?? I mean, though I wasn’t using birth-control, we were using a few different natural birth-control methods…which still leaves me scratching my head as to how this happened….. Though I do say that it doesn’t help I guess when you have altars dedicated to Freyja and Frey literally right next to your bed…so I chalk it up as a blessing and a gift from Them. Thank you!!!
Wow – 2014. Where did the time go? My everyday life and spiritual path have been somewhat chaotic and frustrating. Back in May, after being on the receiving end of a pretty serious domestic incident, I decided that I needed to start counseling to face and deal with issues from that were still troubling me from childhood and some traumatic things that occurred as an adult in both my time spent in the military and with personal relationships. Come to find out, I was, and still am, a textbook Codependent with PTSD. I obviously knew about the PTSD, but it was good to finally put a name to my “condition” and to get a better understanding of it; but dealing with it and re-programming your ways of thinking and behaving you developed as a 4-year-old as a means surviving and coping mechanisms – a whole other ball game! At times, I felt completely hopeless and unable to change. Other times, I felt OK and that I was making breakthroughs and having a lot of “A ha!” moments. It’s still a daily battle and find myself reverting back to and falling into old patterns and ways of thinking. Somedays you win, other days – not so much. But, instead of acting on fight or flight, ignoring my feelings, or trying to make them go away – I find that I need to take time outs to remember and understand what’s going on. I give myself permission to feel, examine it, and remind myself to let stuff go…And it’s OK!
Back around June or July, I had made a decision that I had to trim some stuff out of my life. The mundane was getting pretty overwhelming with playing both Mom and Dad to our 3 and 4-year-old as my husband’s current assignment keeps him very busy and away from the house for sometimes up to 16 hours a day, trying to keep up with the everyday cooking and cleaning, shopping, and working on my college degree online kept me pretty busy to say the least. To keep my sanity (somewhat) in check, I had to leave the Apple Branch as there was no way I could keep up with the work. I also felt myself drifting away from my previous strongly held Dianic tendencies with a new-found interest and relationship I had been building with Frey (who actually seems to prefer for you to actually make things yourself vs. buying things as offerings and altar items as I’ve found out) and maintaining a healthy respect and reverence for Odin.
My focus then turned back to Heathenry and Druidry – more so Heathenry as I was feeling, and still am, feeling that pull of the Norse and Germanic Gods and Goddesses. I had begun daily devotions to different deities on each day and was really into working with runes – faithfully keeping a journal and researching them. Around the end of June/early July and onward, I noticed that I kept pulling A LOT of delay runes – Isa, Nauthiz, Hagalaz, even a Thurisaz (yikes!) when it came to taking on new projects. Everything was telling me to slow down, to just stop, be patient, observant, and listen – that everything was going to be OK and work out in time as I was on the right Path. But I am such an impatient person and want everything NOW! It was killing me to feel stuck in a rut – especially since I really wanted to start doing and getting more involved with classes and events with the Nine Worlds Kindred which has become my spiritual family since around Ostara this year. But with the surprise pregnancy, I now know why they were popping up. My daily devotions and even rune journaling had gradually slowed down and come to a halt when the Morning Sickness (All Day Sickness really!) kicked in. I dwindled down to making devotions and small offerings to Freyja when I could and felt so very disappointed in myself for not being able to keep the pace, initiate and attend classes with the Nine Worlds Kindred, or continue developing and delving deeper into my Path (thanks Codependency!).
And to be honest, I felt as though there was a real distance growing between myself and Freyja and feeling kind of alone. I’ve found that Freyja is not at all the very “Motherly Type” and wondered if She was disappointed in me. But I was reminded that this pregnancy was a gift – that I was on the right Path and everything was as it should be.
I’ve also been feeling myself very drawn to Frigga and the Horse as of late. Horses starting up a lot through various means and media – just out of the blue type sitings and occurrences. I find a warm comfort with the Horse and feel that the Horse is a totem that I really need to be working with right now – not to mention its influences and associations with abundance, fertility, and motherhood. Interestingly enough, it is associated with not only Epona and Rhiannon (who I find comfort in), but also Freyja – which explains why, in my opinion, I quite often draw Ehwaz when seeking comfort or reassurance from Freyja and is a rune that I very much personally associate with Her.
This past month has been extremely busy – not just with the holiday season and the usual hustle and bustle that accompanies it, but with both of my kids being sick, then me getting sick…I’ve just tried to stay in and hibernate away from the world as much as possible. I only began to feel a renewed sense of purpose and dedication to my Gods and Goddesses and it hasn’t been until today really that we’ve ALL felt like getting out and getting some fresh air in which my husband went out for a run, the kids kept up with their new bikes and I walked my pregnant butt 2 miles! I was able to get take some great pictures and was just what I needed to feel that connection – to feel the brilliance of Sunna to hear and feel the stirring of the Earth Mother and Her children.
I am slowly starting back and working up to working with the runes daily. About 3 days ago, I made an offering of Ancient Amber cone incense to Freyja and asked Her for message. I pulled Dagaz and felt it was a very positive rune, especially as I feel myself starting to emerge from my darkness and into the light as the days grow longer.
Last night, I again made offerings of fine European chocolate, rum, and incense to Her. I sometimes like to examine the ashes to see if there are any messages or omens to be picked up and immediately spotted Gebo – a sure sign that She had accepted my offerings and that things were good between us.
I also picked up a very interesting image of what appeared to be a horn bearing Valkyrie that looked ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THIS
I also made offerings of rum and incense to Frey. The cone had apparently stopped burning about half way through. When I examined it, there was a very distinct Sowilo rune in the middle of the ashes where it had stopped. I didn’t take that as an omen or sign that the offerings had not been accepted, rather a message from Him reminding me of the breakthrough I had made when meditating on the Sowilo rune back this summer – a huge relief that things in the past are just that – in the past! They’re not in the present or the future – they happened in the past and to move forward with love and light in my heart; not to carry the bad things or the darkness with me. This was especially auspicious as I had prayed to Him that evening while making my offerings to help me and remind me to move forward with His love, light, and joy in my heart.
I feel like I’ve waited so long – trying to be patient, prepping, and preparing for my Path make some real progress on my spiritual journey. 2014 is going to be the year – I can feel it that change is going to happen, I just know it! I’m looking forward to really developing myself – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I wish you all love, joy, and blessings in the New Year to come!!!